Another Day Of Hospital Drama
by Red Witch
Summary: The coma plotline may be fine for Archer, but for Mallory and everyone around her…Not so much.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is still in the hospital. This is some madness and drama that came out of my tiny little mind. **

**Another Day of Hospital Drama **

"Did Mallory even **say** what happened?" Ron asked Lana. They were walking quickly down a long hospital corridor with Pam and Cyril.

"No," Lana told him. "All she said that there was another attempt on Archer's life and she was very upset."

"Pretty understandable," Pam said.

"Was she upset because the attempt was **successful **or…?" Cyril asked.

"_Seriously_ Cyril?" Lana snapped.

"I was thinking that too," Pam spoke up. "That's actually a pretty reasonable question. Especially if you consider all the people Archer's pissed off over the years."

"Yeah I mean…" Ron added. "Is Sterling still alive or…?"

Lana realized something. "I don't know. All I know is Mallory said to come right away and she was crying…Oh my God. What if Archer is…?"

"That's all I'm saying," Cyril protested. "Archer does have a lot of enemies. And not all of them are **us!**"

"Oh God!" Pam gasped. "What if he **is**…?"

"We don't know **that!"** Lana protested. "Come on!"

They entered the room. Mallory was sitting by Archer's unconscious bedside. "Oh look, he's fine…" Cyril grumbled. "Well as fine as you can be when you're in a coma."

"How do you know he's not dead?" Pam asked.

"Uh the heart monitor going _beep, beep, beep_ isn't a clue?" Cyril pointed.

"Oh right," Pam realized.

"Mallory what happened?" Ron hugged his wife as she stood up.

"Oh Ron!" Mallory sniffed. "It was awful! Just awful!"

"What happened?" Lana asked as she set down her purse. "Did he have an attack or…?"

"No!" Mallory said. "Someone tried to attack Sterling last night! That's why I had his room moved."

"Oh yeah," Pam realized. "I was wondering why we were on a different floor."

"What do you mean attack Sterling?" Ron asked.

"Was I speaking **Russian** just now?" Mallory snapped. "There was another attack on my son's life!"

"Told you the man has enemies," Cyril remarked.

"Mallory start from the beginning," Lana said. "What happened?"

Mallory took a breath. "Well…It was late last night. I was staying with Sterling. Reading. Minding my own business when all of the sudden I heard screaming in the hallway. Then I realized that the man was shouting Sterling's name over and over again. I looked out and there was this crazy man with a gun who was clearly plastered out of his mind. I could smell his breath down the hall!"

"Oh my God…" Pam gasped.

"Fortunately, he didn't see me," Mallory said. "He had his back to me. He must not have known the room. So, I grabbed a vase full of flowers I bought from the room and whacked him on the head with it. Knocked that lightweight out cold."

"Did you ever see this man before?" Cyril asked.

"No! That's the thing!" Mallory said. "Apparently his name was Bud Grimley. He was a stuntman that once worked at Ellis Crane's movie studio. But that's all I know about it. I mean he's in jail now. Apparently, there are several warrants for his arrest but still…"

"Oh God Mallory," Ron hugged her again.

"Oh, Ron it was awful," Mallory sniffed. "I had to break a vase I actually liked!"

"Wow," Cyril muttered to himself. "I didn't even send this guy."

"What did you say?" Pam looked at Cyril.

"I said I can't believe they sent a fall guy," Cyril covered. "You know? A stuntman hired to kill somebody? Who **does **that?"

"You think somebody connected to Long Water sent an assassin to kill Archer?" Pam was stunned.

"That's one possibility," Cyril shrugged. "That or Archer screwed his girlfriend. Odds are fifty-fifty on that…"

"That does seem more likely considering Sterling's reputation," Mallory groaned as she pulled away from Ron. "But it could be Long Water too. Good thing I came prepared." She pulled her gun out of her purse.

"Will you put that away before you get thrown out?" Ron hissed. "I hear someone coming!"

"What's going on now?" A middle aged African-American woman wearing glasses and nurse's scrubs appeared. "Who are all these people? Visiting hours aren't for another hour."

"It's all right Gladys," Mallory had put her weapon away. "They're with me."

"It's not all right with **me,**" Gladys said. "It's one thing for you to be here. But not all these folks. It's against hospital procedure."

"So is Doctor White having a quickie with one of his patients in the janitor's closet!" Mallory snapped. "Nobody says anything about **that!** Even when he fell out bare ass first during the commotion!"

"Oh, he just got called up on the hospital board thanks to your complaint," Gladys said. "Never did like that man."

"He's as subtle as a rhinoceros in heat," Mallory admitted. "Everyone this is Gladys. The nurse I hired to help me with Sterling. She works at the hospital."

"You didn't hire me," Gladys corrected. "I was assigned with two other nurses after you paid the hospital off."

"The things a person has to do to get round the clock health care in this country!" Mallory grumbled. "Gladys this is my husband Ron. And my employees. Lana Kane, Cyril Figgis and Pam."

"Poovey," Pam added. "Pam Poovey."

"Nobody cares!" Mallory snapped.

"And I am **not** your employee!" Cyril protested. "I run the agency!"

"Ehhh…" Mallory rolled her eyes.

"And I'm the mother of your grandchild so…" Lana began.

"Hang on. Your granddaughter is **black?**" Gladys did a double take. Then started to laugh.

"What are **you** laughing at?" Mallory snapped.

"I think you **know **what I'm laughing at," Gladys smirked. She turned to Lana. "So, you're the girlfriend huh?"

"Technically we're still on break…" Lana sighed.

"Tell it to Ross, Rachel!" Mallory groaned as she pulled out a bottle of scotch from a nearby drawer.

"You having **another drink**?" Gladys asked.

"For my nerves!" Mallory protested as she poured herself a glass. "Last night gave me a terrible shock."

Gladys told her. "You knocked out a man with a gun. Kicked Dr. White in the balls and threatened to sue the hospital for negligence in a voice so loud they could hear you out on the street."

"That's actually a quiet night for her," Pam admitted.

"As you can see, I need all the help I can get taking care of Sterling," Mallory said as she took a drink. "Even if Gladys is a bit of a buzz kill."

"Hey, it's not like I'm Nurse Gloom Hilda on the Fourth Floor," Gladys protested.

"That woman makes Nurse Ratchet look like Mary Sunshine," Mallory admitted.

"Did you hire her because you think because she's older and a little curvier that Archer wouldn't bang her in the X-Ray room when he wakes up?" Pam asked. "Because you know he did me and that won't work."

Gladys began. "For the last time she didn't hire…Say **what now?"**

"Archer had a little habit of hanging around hospitals and banging the nurses when he was bored," Pam explained.

"Or secretaries," Cyril added. "Or office workers. Or hookers…"

"Cyril!" Lana protested.

"Not to mention flight attendants, strippers," Pam added. "Spies, assassins, socialites, actual freaking princesses and other royalty. Models, female bartenders, female deckhands, female acrobats, female movie theater ushers, maids…"

"Pam!" Lana and Mallory snapped.

"Sales girls at high class department stores," Pam went on. "But he wasn't a big fan of checkout girls. Unless they had really big racks. And I don't mean at the checkout line."

"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory groaned as Gladys listened with interest.

"He liked librarians too," Pam went on. "Said that whole thing about them being lesbians was a total stereotype. Only like one in fifteen was either gay or married or old. I'm not saying that stopped him from trying…"

"Speaking of which…" Mallory growled. "You're trying my patience!"

"Sometimes drunk teachers or mothers at PTA meetings," Cyril added. "Before he had a kid."

"He always said that was a good group for ending his dry streaks," Pam nodded. "But he seemed to like doing it in the X-Ray room."

"Probably one of the reasons he got breast cancer," Cyril nodded.

"That explains some of the details of his medical history," Grace remarked.

"Archer must have at least four to seven different strains of venereal disease named after him by now," Cyril said cheerfully.

"It's technically only three!" Mallory snapped. "The rest of them are just slightly mutated offshoots."

"Well if he didn't spend so much time having sex in the X-Ray room…" Pam went on.

Lana looked around. "Speaking of spending time in a room…" She noticed a cot bed, a tea table, a reading chair and a small cabinet in the corner of the room. Also, a small rug as well.

"Oh that," Mallory waved. "It's just temporary. Just making things a bit more comfortable."

"She paid the janitors over two hundred dollars to lug that cabinet in here," Gladys said.

"It was just collecting dust in my apartment," Mallory waved. "By the way the rest of the Idiot Squad will be here shortly with a few more of my things."

"There's **more **of you?" Gladys asked.

"Unfortunately," Ron sighed. "Can you guys leave us alone for a little bit? I want to talk to my wife."

"Okay," Pam made no attempt to move.

"Let's go visit the cafeteria," Lana sighed as she took Pam by the arm and directed her to leave.

"Good idea," Cyril said. "I could use some coffee. Mallory do you want anything?"

"I want you to stop calling me Mallory," Mallory grumbled. "But I'll settle for a coffee and one of those free blueberry muffins."

"There's **muffins?**" Pam realized before she took off with the grace of a formula one racecar.

"Pam! Stop running!" Lana called out as she and Cyril left.

"I'll go make my rounds," Gladys remarked as she left.

Ron and Mallory sat down in nearby chairs. "How are you really holding up?" Ron asked his wife.

"How do you **think?**" Mallory groaned. "Another attempt on my son's life while he's in a coma. God, it was bad enough when he was awake. I guess I should be grateful it wasn't Barry. Oh God, I just had an image of a lunatic cyborg in a candy striper's dress."

"What?" Ron asked.

"Let's just say I wouldn't put it past him," Mallory groaned. "So how are things at Moron Place?"

"I've moved out," Ron said. "I tell you spending a few weeks with that lot would scare anybody straight."

"Testify," Mallory took a drink.

Ron sighed. "I still love you Mallory. Why can't we just pick up where we left off and try again?"

"I'd love to do that Ron. I really would," Mallory said.

"But?"

"I can't leave my son, Ron," Mallory sighed. "I've already spent too much time away from him. Maybe that's why he hasn't woken up yet?"

"That's not your fault," Ron told her. "It's just how it is."

Mallory looked like she was going to cry. "I've been a horrible mother. I was never there for Sterling when he was younger. When he really needed me. That's why…That's why I have to stay now. He needs me now. I can't abandon him. Not again. I've done that too many times before. Never again."

They sat in silence for a moment. Ron sighed. "I've made a decision. I'm going back to New York. I can't take the crazy anymore. My business is there. My friends are there. I still have the apartment which you put in my name. Come with me."

"I want to back to New York too but…" Mallory looked at Archer. "Not without him."

"Can't you just move him to New York?" Ron asked. "Put him in a hospital there?"

"Apparently not," Mallory groaned.

"What are you going to do?" Ron asked. "Where are you going to live?"

"I have a few places," Mallory waved.

"You mean **this?**" Ron pointed to the bed in the corner.

"This is just temporary," Mallory shrugged. "For all I know Sterling could wake up in a few days."

"You've been saying that for a few **months,**" Ron told her. "What about the agency?"

"What **about it?"** Mallory grumbled. "I'm seriously asking!"

"Where does that leave us?" Ron asked.

"I don't know," Mallory said in a far-off voice.

"Is our marriage over?"

"I don't know," Mallory sighed. "Ron, I know you think this isn't fair but I have to put Sterling first."

Ron was frustrated. "Look I get it. He's your kid. I would just like some consideration for once!"

"What do you mean **for once**?" Mallory snapped. "What is **that **supposed to mean?"

"What do you **think** it means?" Ron snapped. "Ever since we got married, I've been feeling more like a secondary guest star character in a TV show than your husband! And yes, I know how much that sounds like Carol! But you have to admit it's a **fitting description**!"

"What? I'm supposed to just toss over my sick son for you?" Mallory snapped.

"It's not just Sterling, Mallory!" Ron told her. "If it was just him, I wouldn't have any problem. It's that you put **everything** ahead of me!"

"What do you mean by everything?"

"Let me count down the list," Ron used his fingers. "Your agency. Your disastrous drug cartel. Your equally disastrous deal with the CIA. Your social climbing. Your endless quest for more cash. Even those idiots you run around with get more attention than I do! And you **hate **them! Hell, even your damn furs get priority over me!"

"I wouldn't worry about them if you didn't worry about your god damn cigars!" Mallory snapped. "Stinking up the place like a Turkish whorehouse!"

"See?" Ron pointed out. "**This** is what I am talking about. For years you've dragged me along from crazy scheme to crazy scheme! Barely even **thinking **about what it would mean to me! I got shot because of you woman! And it took you three days to get to the hospital to visit me because you were too busy trying to keep Pam from eating all the cocaine!"

"Oh my God!" Mallory snapped. "How long are you going to bitch about **that?** That was years ago!"

"And you're still running around thinking that consequences don't apply **to you**!" Ron snapped.

"Oh, believe me Ron," Mallory growled. "I am more than aware of the consequences of **marrying you**!"

"Ditto!" Ron shot back. "I feel like some kind of trophy you take off the mantlepiece every now and then! When you _remember _me!"

"_Trophy?"_ Mallory shouted. "What contest in Hell did I win to have **you** as a trophy?"

"You haven't exactly been a first-class prize yourself sweetheart!" Ron shot back.

"I have more class in my finger than you do in your entire body!" Mallory shouted. "Take a guess **which one!"**

Ron shook his head. "I can't do this anymore. I just can't do this level of crazy anymore! If you want this marriage to work Mallory, you have to really think about your priorities. Sterling, Lana and your granddaughter are one thing. They're family. I get that. But this whole detective spy drug dealing whatever it is that you're involved in…"

"We haven't dealt drugs for at least a couple of seasons," Mallory said. "Oh my God. Now **I'm** starting to talk like Carol."

"If you want this marriage to work," Ron told her. "If you **really** want this marriage to work, you need to do something for me. Something you should have done in the beginning! I want you to give up the agency."

"What?" Mallory was stunned.

"You heard me."

"You want me to give up _my career?"_ Mallory gasped.

"_**What career?"**_ Ron shouted. "Because whatever it is that you do, it's **not** a career!"

"I have my agency!"

Ron glared at her. "What you have is a **gang**. A gang of lunatics and nut jobs who go from one stupid insane scheme to another stupid insane scheme to another **extremely stupid** and **extremely illegal** scheme! That always seems to bite both you and me in the ass!"

"You're being an ass, Ron!"

"No, what I am being is a man who has had **enough!"** Ron snapped. "It's taken me over five years but I'm **finally** putting my foot down! I mean it Mallory! Either they go or I do!"

"You're **serious?"**

"As a bullet in the stomach," Ron said. "Sell your share of the business. Burn it down. Or just let **them** burn it down. I don't care. Do whatever you have to do to **walk away**! Or better yet, run! Run as far away from these people as you can! Before we all end up in prison or worse!"

"You want me to leave **my agency**?" Mallory was stunned as she stood up.

"It's not even **yours** anymore!" Ron shouted. "Get that through your thick head! You signed away control for several bottles of hooch and a promise for a quick buck! I'm all you have left! Are you willing to throw our marriage away for your pride?"

Mallory glared at Ron. "Maybe there's nothing much of our marriage left to keep?"

Ron glared back as he got up. "Maybe there isn't? If that's your answer. See you around, Babe."

"Don't count on it," Mallory growled. "Babe."

Ron left the room. Mallory held back tears. Then she realized something. "How much did you hear? I know you're out there! I can hear Pam's fat stomach growling!"

Sheepishly Lana showed herself. Along with Pam and Cyril. "I forgot my purse," Lana admitted.

"And I realized I didn't have any cash," Pam added. "And…"

"Oh, shut up!" Mallory snapped.

"Mallory," Cyril said. "Are you **sure** about this? You can catch Ron if you want. I mean…"

"Oh no!" Mallory snapped. "There's no way in Hell I am handing over my agency to a weak-willed sweater vest wearing uncoordinated uninspired simpleton like **you!**"

Pam spoke up. "I guess now's a bad time to tell you that technically, you already did."

"You did sign some documents…" Cyril said.

"Documents, shmocuments!" Mallory waved. "Please! I've reneged on more legal documents than Pam's had bearclaws!"

Pam's eyes widened. "Wow. That is a lot."

"I know, right?" Lana nodded.

"I don't need any legal papers to run my agency!" Mallory snapped. "Hell, I did it for almost forty years when I had a spy agency!"

"You mean the treason?" Cyril asked smugly.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped.

"Here we go," Ray walked in with Krieger. Ray was carrying a box and Krieger held a briefcase.

"Is this where the party is?" Krieger asked cheerfully.

"Yes!" Mallory said sarcastically. "We're celebrating Idiot's Day! Which is pretty much every day for you people."

"We got you some things," Krieger said. "And I packed some of your clothes. The rest we put in Archer's office." He put down the suitcase.

"Why would you need to put Ms. Archer's things in Archer's office?" Pam asked.

"And why are you bringing some of Mallory's clothes **here**?" Lana asked.

"She got kicked out of her apartment building," Ray explained as he put the box down.

"_What?"_ Lana did a double take.

"Told you that you should be nicer to your neighbors," Pam remarked.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped.

"Maybe you should apologize to Ron?" Cyril asked. "Ask him to take you back! At least you'd have a place to live!"

"Maybe you should…?" Mallory began. Then she heard some frightened screams. "Oh God what fresh Hell is happening **now?" **

Cheryl walked in being dragged by Babou on a leash. "Oh my God!" Lana gasped.

"Sweet Jesus!" Ray gasped. "Girl are you out of your God damn mind?"

"That's a stupid question!" Mallory snapped. "Carol why did you bring that damn oversized cat here?"

"I didn't bring him," Cheryl protested as she was partially dragged by Babou. "He brought **me!**"

"God Damn it Cheryl!" Krieger snapped. "We told you to leave Babou in the van! I'm going to have it remodeled anyway!"

"Yeah," Pam said. "Ms. Archer's got enough to worry about with Archer still in a coma and her husband kicking her to the curb again."

"What?" Krieger and Ray asked as one.

"Damn it, Pam!" Mallory snapped.

"What happened?" Cheryl asked. She ignored Babou casually clawing at Archer's bedsheets.

Pam went on. "Ron gave Ms. Archer an ultimatum."

"Well no wonder she got mad," Cheryl said. "If he gave her an old tomato."

"Ultimatum! Not **old tomato** you deranged ditz!" Mallory snapped. "That cat of yours has more sense!"

Babou of course was now gnawing at the corners of the bed.

"Ron wanted Ms. Archer to come back with him to New York," Pam explained. "But Ms. Archer said no so they broke up again. Probably for good this time."

"You chose your son over your husband?" Cheryl asked. "Huh. That's a switch I didn't see coming."

"Technically she chose us over her husband," Pam corrected.

"_Seriously?"_ Cheryl did a double take.

"He wanted me to give up my career!" Mallory snapped. "What was I supposed to do?"

Krieger blinked. "You have a **career?** Since **when?**"

"Yeah did you get a job or something?" Cheryl asked.

"Because what we've been doing lately…" Ray added. "You can't really classify that as an **actual career**. Well…Unless you count it as demolition."

"Doesn't she know that Cyril technically owns the agency now?" Cheryl asked.

"She's in denial," Cyril admitted.

"That is basically her default setting," Lana admitted.

"Okay I've been hearing complaints about all the racket coming out of…" Gladys walked in. "OH, MY SWEET JESUS! WHAT IS **THAT?" **

Cheryl spoke up. "That's Krieger. Ray. I'm Cheryl and/or Carol. Depending on my mood."

"And what pills she's on," Ray added.

"Rrrrarrrr!" Babou was clawing at the side of Archer's bed.

"And that's Babou," Cheryl said. "My ocelot."

Gladys did a double take. "An **ocelot? **You can't bring a damn ocelot in here!"

"He's on a leash," Cheryl pointed out.

"I don't care if it's in a God damn 69 Convertible!" Gladys snapped. "You can't bring a wild jungle cat into a hospital!"

"Well it's not like I brought the zebra!" Cheryl called out.

"_Zebra?"_ Gladys was stunned.

"Don't ask," Ray sighed.

"Why would you bring an ocelot in here?" Lana snapped.

"He's a therapy pet!" Cheryl grinned. "For Archer!"

"RRARRRR!" Babou hopped on Archer's bed, tearing at the sheets.

"More like he's going to need therapy **from **your pet!" Cyril snapped.

"OH MY GOD!" Mallory gasped. "That damn beast is going to eat my son!"

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

"Nope," Ray wrinkled his nose. "He's just marking Archer as part of his territory."

"Babou! Down! Down!" Cheryl pulled at the leash. The cat refused to move. "He won't go down."

"Well technically he kind of…" Pam began.

"Inappropes, Pam!" Ray snapped.

"Your damn ocelot pissed on my son!" Mallory screamed.

"And I got it on camera," Pam remarked as she held her phone.

"Can I get a copy of that?" Cyril asked.

"I've made a **huge mistake**," Mallory groaned.

"Oh God it's starting to scratch Archer!" Lana shouted. "NO! BABOU! STOP! SHOO! SHOO!"

"I'll shoo it all right!" Mallory pulled out her gun. "Technically shoo with one extra letter added."

"Are you out of your damn…?" Gladys shouted.

Babou decided to leave the room. He broke free of Cheryl and ran out of the room. "Loose ocelot!" Pam called out as she moved aside to let Babou run away.

"I've got it!" Krieger pulled out his tranquilizer gun and chased after Babou.

"What the…?" Gladys was shocked. "What is it with you people and **guns?"**

"I'm sorry Gladys," Cyril apologized. "Cheryl was born without any common sense at all! Or any sense period for that matter."

"It's all right!" Krieger was heard in the halls. "I'm a doctor!"

"No, you're not!" Cyril shouted.

TWWIP! TWIP!

THUD!

"Sorry," Krieger said. "Meant to hit the ocelot. On the plus side I think he's ready for surgery!"

"That was the doctor **performing** the surgery!" Someone shouted.

"What kind of fools are you people?" Gladys snapped as she worked on Archer's minor injuries. "I'm calling hospital security!"

"Somebody secure the cat and the clone!" Mallory snapped. "Looking at you people!"

"Not it," Lana and Ray said at the same time.

"Damn it!" Cyril groaned. "Pam, Cheryl! Come on!"

"Do I **have** to?" Cheryl pouted.

"Maybe Babou will maul somebody else?" Pam suggested.

"Oooh! You think?" Cheryl grinned with delight as she and Pam went out.

"I'm in charge of **this?**" Cyril moaned as he left. "I need a new career."

"Who **are** these people?" Gladys snapped as she patched up Archer.

"Mallory's employees," Lana said dryly.

"Well technically it's not my agency anymore…" Mallory paused.

"Really?" Ray snorted.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"I'm calling security to haul your asses out of here!" Gladys snapped.

"Gladys please don't," Lana groaned. "Ray and I will get rid of them! I promise! Come on Ray!"

"You have **no idea** what you signed up for Gladys," Ray groaned as they left. "Good luck. You're gonna need it!"

"Okay good news," Gladys finished. "The scratches weren't that deep. Bad news is that not only does he need to be decontaminated and cleaned…Along with this room. He might need a tetanus shot."

"I know people who **should **be shot," Mallory groaned as she slumped into a seat. "God it already smells like animal piss in here. Although part of that could have been Pam. Her farts smell like the farm she grew up on."

"Okay, about Lana. What is the deal with her again?" Gladys asked as she worked on Archer.

"It's a long, long, long story…" Mallory sighed as she poured herself a drink. "Spoiler alert, Sterling screws it up. And screws around."

"I kind of figured that when I heard about the X-Ray incident," Gladys said.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"I'm sorry!" Krieger was heard. "I didn't mean to knock out the **other doctor!"**

"I have been a nurse for twenty-five years," Gladys remarked. "I've seen a lot of crazy. But not like this!"

"This is actually calm for them," Mallory sighed.

"CHERLY GET AWAY FROM THOSE DRUGS!" Cyril was heard shouting. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO!"

"THAT'S WHY I WANT TO TAKE THEM!" Cheryl was heard shouting. "IN ORDER TO FIND OUT!"

"PAM STOP EATING THAT PATIENT'S FOOD!" Lana shouted.

"YOU ARE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Pam shouted.

"CHEESE IT Y'ALL! SECURITY IS ON IT'S WAY!" Ray shouted.

Gladys looked at Mallory. "You left your husband for **those people?"**

"Oh God did I make a huge mistake," Mallory moaned.


End file.
